Are you smarter than your cat?

Are you a cat person or do you hate the vicious little beasts? Cats can be super-loving, cool little pals, or evil, twisted spiteful monsters. But whether you're a cat lover or a hater, do you find it easy to outsmart your feline friend? Maybe your best friend has a pampered puss that demands the best seat in the house? Perhaps your lap cat constantly sinks their claws into your denims, leaving everyone at the gym believing you got cooties of the legs? Check out our fun quiz to find out if you really are smarter than your cat. If you suddenly dropped dead, would your cat run for help or eat your tepid corpse?

By Mike Heath Issue with this quiz?

Qusetion: 1 of 30

If your cat was a law enforcement officer, which department would they work in?

Victim liaison

On the beat in the community.

On the murder squad.

They'd be the one behind bars.

Qusetion: 2 of 30

What's the most embarrassing thing your cat has ever done.

Nothing. They're a cat.

They farted when my mom was visiting.

They peed in my dad's sports bag.

They clawed my partner's pet gerbil to death.

Qusetion: 3 of 30

Which weather condition most closely describes your relationship with your cat?

A sunny day on the beach.

A beautiful spring morning.

A thunderstorm.

A hurricane brought on by a tsunami.

Qusetion: 4 of 30

What would be your cat's job if they were human?

A yoga teacher.

A team leader.

A doctor.

A serial killer.

Qusetion: 5 of 30

Your cat is asleep on your lap but you desperately need to pee. What do you do?

Gently lift them off your lap, pee, then lift them back onto your lap when you get back.

Wake them up gently, then throw a treat across the room.

Wait until it's unbearable, then try to move without disturbing puss.

Wet yourself.

Qusetion: 6 of 30

If your cat could earn their keep, how would they do it?

As a model for cat food commercials.

As a counsellor.

As a guard dog.

As a pest controller.

Qusetion: 7 of 30

Which movie best describes your relationship with your cat?

The Holiday

When Harry Met Sally

The Hills Have Eyes

Pet Sematary

Qusetion: 8 of 30

What does your cat do when you're eating a meal on the couch?

Sits patiently, respecting my space. I don't get in her face when she's eating.

Sits patiently, waiting for scraps.

Climbs onto my lap and tries pawing at my sandwich.

Grabs the sandwich and runs!

Qusetion: 9 of 30

Is your cat a fussy eater?

No. They eat whatever I choose for them.

Kinda. But they usually eat everything I put out for them eventually.

Yes. I can't get them to eat.

They eat caviar and poached turbot. They will NOT eat cat food.

Qusetion: 10 of 30

What does your cat do when you're trying to work at home?

Gives me space, then rubs around my feet.

Wants to climb on the goddam keyboard.

Meows for food ALL day.

Sabotages my Zoom calls by sticking her ass in the camera.

Qusetion: 11 of 30

You bring a puppy home. What does your cat do?

Cowers in the corner, then introduces themself. They're best friends in an hour.

Stares and cowers for a day. Then slowly develops a relationship.

Runs away. Forever.

Fights back until the puppy is a big pile of blood and muscle.

Qusetion: 12 of 30

If your cat was a movie star, who would they be?

Anya Taylor-Joy

Gal Gadot

Jennifer Aniston

Tilda Swinton

Qusetion: 13 of 30

If your cat was a character from a fairytale, who would they be?

Sleeping Beauty

Snow White

Cruella de Ville

The Wicked Witch of the West

Qusetion: 14 of 30

What is your cat's favorite treat?

Whiskas Temptations

American Journey Freeze-Dried Chicken

Cooked chicken

Whatever I'm eating. They just will NOT let me eat in peace.

Qusetion: 15 of 30

How would you define your relationship with your cat in terms of high school canteen politics?

We're the cool cats on the top table.

Like I'm sitting with the cool kids.

Like I'm one of the library kids.

I'd be the bullied kid cowering in the corner.

Qusetion: 16 of 30

You leave a pair of jeans on the floor. What does your cat do?

Sleep on them.

Moult on them.

Throw up on them.

Drag them to a hole in the ground and burn them.

Qusetion: 17 of 30

If your cat was sitting in a bar, where would they be?

At the bar, flirting with the bar staff.

On a table in the corner, on their own.

Drinking the spills from the floor.

Getting thrown out for poor behavior

Qusetion: 18 of 30

You're practicing yoga in the lounge. What does your cat do?

Joins in.

Watches, fascinated.

Lays on my yoga mat, demanding attention.

Pounce on my back in dog down, digging their claws in.

Qusetion: 19 of 30

What does your cat do when your partner comes around to visit?

Stares jealously.

Stares. Then flirts.

Leaves the house.

Bites them. Then pees in their shoes.

Qusetion: 20 of 30

You cat meows on your chest first thing in the morning. What do you do?

Give them a little rub under the chin and drift back to sleep.

Give them a stroke, and tell them you'll get up and feed them in a minute.

Pretend you're still asleep until they scratch your face.

Get up straight away to feed them before they try to eat your face.

Qusetion: 21 of 30

What is your cat's superpower.

Zen

Yoga

Clawing at the furniture

Their death stare.

Qusetion: 22 of 30

How often does your cat wake you up in the night?

Never.

Sometimes.

Every night.

I've barely slept since they arrived!

Qusetion: 23 of 30

Does your cat enjoy being around a lot of people?

Yeah, my pussycat is super chilled.

Not really. They can tolerate a couple of friends.

No way, Jose.

They hiss and spit until everyone leaves.

Qusetion: 24 of 30

What's the worst thing your cat has ever done?

Nothing. They're a joy to have around at all times.

Brought in a dead bird.

Brought in an alive mouse (which took you an hour to save)

Tried to eat you when you were asleep because they thought you were dead.

Qusetion: 25 of 30

What type of music most reflects your relationship with your cat.

Jazz

Pop

Techno

Death metal

Qusetion: 26 of 30

How would you define your relationship with your cat (or your pal's cat)?

Totally at one with each other.

A healthy respect for each other.

Good. As long as they get their way.

Like Leatherface is waving a chainsaw in my face.

Qusetion: 27 of 30

What would your cat do if they saw somebody harassing you?

They'd hiss at them and pounce.

Hiss and spit.

Give a death stare.

They'd leave the room for a sleep.

Qusetion: 28 of 30

How does your cat get your attention?

Rubs their head against your legs.

Meows and purrs until you give them what they want.

Continuously yells at you until you give in.

Bites, scratches, hisses, and pees behind the TV.

Qusetion: 29 of 30

What does your cat do when you arrive home after a 2-week-long vacation?

Rushes to you as you open the front door, purring and rubbing their head on your legs.

Wait for you to come to them. Then never leave your lap for the next week.

Stare at you from the top of the stairs.

Welcomes you back to your wrecked home by biting you and leaving for a week, just to show you how it feels.

Qusetion: 30 of 30

Which TV show best describes your relationship with your cat?

Friends

How I Met Your Mother

Servant

Slasher

End Quiz & See Results

Mike Heath

Mike has an MA in Creative Writing and is a full-time copywriter, yoga teacher, and playwright. His copywriting has taken him to dizzy heights: writing in every conceivable niche from facts about carpet slippers to portents about artificial intelligence and how to overcome plantar fasciitis (look it up) to fabulous home decor. Mike is a UK-based playwright whose work has been performed all around the world (as long as you count the UK and Western Australia). His work is available on Amazon, and you can listen to his podcast where he talks about playwriting with his sarcastic co-presenter. He runs the WriteForTheStage courses and you can follow him on @Write4TheStage (Twitter) and @_mike_heath_ on Instagram.